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On March 31, Netflix unveiled their original 13-episode adaptation of the popular Jay Asher novel Thirteen Reasons Why. Having read the book as a teenager, I was excited for the TV adaptation.
And it didn't disappoint.
In fact, I thought the show did an amazing job of capturing some of the most harsh realities people (and especially teenagers) face today: Bullying, drugs, sexual assault, suicidality. It's not a pretty picture, of course. But a realistic one. So I couldn't understand why, in the following weeks, I kept seeing Thirteen Reasons Why appear in the news, with parents, schools, and even psychologists making controversy of a show that so accurately details the struggles of young adult life.
But then I understood it. I understood all of it.
Now, I'm going to go ahead and give the people who have dubbed this show a "trigger" a pass. And by that I don't mean they're wrong and I'm just not going to talk about it (or that they're right, for that matter); I mean I'm not going to talk about it. Because there is some truth to the idea of shows, music, books, and really anything that appears in mass media "triggering" connections between our past and present and therefore inflicting some past dangers into our present lives. But that's a discussion for another time.
What I want to discuss here is the fact that school administrators, governing officials, and even parents have come out to say that this show "glamorizes" suicide. To this I have one simple statement...
You're wrong.
For those of you who haven't seen or read Thirteen Reasons Why I'm going to give you a very brief breakdown: Two weeks after Hannah Baker kills herself, Clay Jensen finds a paper-covered box on the front porch of his house. Inside there are seven cassette tapes. And as he starts listening to them, he hears Hannah's voice once again. Because, before committing suicide, Hannah left these tapes behind, recording the 13 reasons why she chose to end her life. To these reasons there are 12 people who had a hand in her decision and that is why Clay has received them - he's one of the 12, and the tapes are slowly making their way through each of them. May of the reasons Hannah killed herself are unremarkable; in fact, as she even mentions, some of the people might not have known that they were doing anything wrong. But they were. They were slowly killing her. These tapes are a means of bringing some kind of justice from Hannah's suicide. They're not revenge. They don't go public. They're not meant for the police. They're a means of teaching these 12 people to learn to do better in the future - to help instead of hurt.
That's not glamorization. That's creating awareness. And it's something we need to see more of if we hope to stop the epidemic of teenage suicide.
***
The Statistic
Suicide is currently the tenth leading cause of death in the United States (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention), but even more staggering is the way in which suicide affects young adults.
As teenagers, we tend to think we know everything - that we have all of the answers. Now, I want to make clear, in parenthesis, that I am not bashing teenagers with this comment. I was the same way. And, in truth, I think this is a universal issue - the idea that we, as people of any age, can have all of the answers to life's complexities is impossible. In the words of one of my favorite authors (JK Rowling): "Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes." All the same, adolescents tend to believe that a holistic understanding of life is in their grasp. Unfortunately, this is not true and it's part of the reason that suicide is the second leading cause of death among adolescents 15-19 years of age, with one in five teenagers seriously considering suicide annually (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).
Human brains develop from the back to front. If you've read the Basics of the Brain post, this will make sense to you. Sight, hearing, touch, and movement all develop in lobes and cortexes prior to the part of the brain that is most heavily involved with what we call complex functioning. This part of the brain is called the prefrontal cortex, and is associated with concepts of personality, reward/pleasure, your understanding of right and wrong, and even your understanding of future consequences. So, unfortunately, no teenagers (like everyone else) do not know everything - they do not hold an understanding of the universe. In fact, quite the opposite. Our brains do not stop developing until we are in our mid-twenties. And as they develop from back to front, we're left with the understanding that young adults, too often, do not have a total understanding of the world, or even of themselves. That part of their brain is still in development - still coming to terms with the understanding of life and the consequences of their actions. Without this brain function, in full, it's easier to consider death as an alternative to life. It's easier to think that killing yourself might just be the answer to all of the problems life so viciously forces upon you.
***
The Signs
Possible signs an individual contemplating suicide may display include:
Withdrawal from friends and family members
Trouble in romantic relationships
Difficulty getting along with others
Changes in the quality of schoolwork or lower grades
Rebellious behaviors
Unusual gift-giving or giving away own possessions
Appearing bored or distracted
Writing or drawing pictures about death
Running away from home
Changes in eating habits
Dramatic personality changes
Changes in appearance
Sleep disturbances
Drug or alcohol abuse
Talk of suicide, even in a joking way
Having a history of previous suicide attempts
There is no single cause of suicide. And, as this list suggests, many of the signs individuals in such a predicament display can be attributed to other things. For example, "Changes in the quality of schoolwork and lower grades" could be indicative of a person having greater social standing and spending more time with friends just as it could signal problems with social abandonment and reclusion. In fact, most of these signs, it could be argued, often have very little to do with suicide and are mere markers of average teenage development.
The truth is, we can't know someone is suicidal. Not unless they tell us. But in that lies a disturbing paradox, because look at the first sign in the list again: "Withdrawal from friends and family members." If someone is withdrawing from their social surroundings, are they going to be forthcoming with inward emotion? Are they going to tell you their feeling lonely, depressed, abused, abandoned, hopeless, and fearful? Are they going to tell you they've considered what the world would be like without them? Are they going to tell you they've already bought the razor blades, the pills, the gun, the ammunition. Are they going to tell you they've already written the letter? No... Which means we have to care enough to see beyond merely what they say. We have to look at what they do. And we have to know how life is treating them. We have to care. We have to be aware.
Insert, Thirteen Reasons Why.
A world that places restrictions on discussions about suicide and bullying and self-harm (as is seen in the controversy surrounding this show) do little to aid the hopelessness that suicidal individuals experience. In fact, it could be argued that they add to it. Because in this scenario, not only do we have someone who's hurting and who's sacred to reach out because they're worried people can't help them, we have someone who's hurting, who's scared to reach out because they're worried people can't help them, AND who believes that even if they do reach out they live in a world of people who don't want to help them - a society that will feel even more disdain toward them for ever entertaining thoughts of suicide.
By failing to engage in these necessary conversations, we're driving hopelessness to even greater heights. We're destroying the only small, sliver of a platform that these individuals have left to stand on.
The reasons for suicidality are variable, but often include at least one of the following:
MDD (major depressive disorder)
Other mental disorders (such as anxiety and schizophrenia)
Fear
Defiance
Hatred
Revenge
Confusion
Loneliness
Humiliation
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Loss of self
Self loathing (Or even hatred of self)
The CDC classifies teenage suicide as a growing health concern. And, as the numbers above indicate, it's a concern that should rattle us all. Because it's targeting our kids - arguably the most vulnerable population in our world. It's hurting them; taking away all of the light and good that they bring (and should continue to bring) into the world.
I want to ask you a question: When you hear that someone has died from suicide, do you feel any less empathetic about that death than you do when hearing someone has died from an illness? If your answer to that question is "yes" then you are part of the problem. A problem threatening children all over the world. And it's time that you became a solution.
***
The Solution
Watch this video - Watch it all the way through.
Resources for suicidal behavior are ever-expanding. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Crisis Text Line are 24/7 help centers with trained professionals intended to aid those experiencing suicidality in crisis. Beyond this, most schools and colleges have implemented their own help methods that often include free psychological services. But where does this leave you? The friend, the parent, the aunt, the uncle, the teacher? What is your role?
One of the best ways to be a solution is to be aware (see how we've come full circle from discussing Thirteen Reasons Why?). We have an obligation to pay attention to the people in our lives - to look for their hurt, their pain, their humiliation. Many people engaging in self-harm or suicidal behavior don't reach out to the available resources for help - they don't feel capable of doing so. The single most disturbing element of depressive behavior is hopelessness - it's not merely sadness or a lack of joy, it's the believe that you never can be happy again. Someone experiencing depressive and suicidal behavior, who displays many of the signs/symptoms mentioned above, will likely not seek help out of a fear that their hopelessness will be validated - that the people around them won't be able to help. It's because of this, that we have to be constantly aware, constantly seeking to know our friends and family members intimately, so that when suicidality becomes a concern, we're ready and waiting to lend a hand - to be a safe haven in a world that it seems is always kicking them when they're already down.
People who die from suicide don't want to stop living, they want to stop hurting. Be the person who helps them find a way through that hurt. Be the person who helps them realize that death isn't the only way, that their life is worth more than cassette tapes recording their own personal thirteen reasons why. Be the person who makes the difference. Be the person who is aware. Be the person who cares.
Be the person who loves them enough that a bit of light can break through all of the darkness.
Further Reading:
http://www.apa.org/research/action/suicide.aspx
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201405/why-do-people-kill-themselves-new-warning-signs
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201506/some-reasons-why-people-kill-themselves
