Sometimes, as a psychologists, things just slip out. About two years ago, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with my family on the eve of my cousin's wedding. Everything was good. The conversation was nice. I mean, who doesn't love watching a Nicholas Sparks' novel play out in real life? But someone had to go and say it.
"It's so sweet to think of them spending their entire lives together."
I responded without hesitation. "Except that it probably won't be their entire lives, because they've only known each other for about a year, which means their dopamine levels are still sky high; they're only 21, so their brains aren't fully developed; and the divorce rate in America is currently passing 60 percent... so there's that."
You know that slow turn people do to stare at you when they can't fathom what you've just said? That look of disgust combined with disbelief and just a hint of anger. All eyes were on me.
That's not the only time it's happened. I got the same look when another family member told me (after three weeks of dating): "I think I'm in love." To which I responded: "No, you're just under the influence of brain chemicals." Or the time a friend of mine was cheated on and I calmly explained that, as a one night stand, it was likely to just be the influence of testosterone and not "real love" so possibly they could be forgiven.
You see, it's the role of a psychologist to take everything that is unique and beautiful about human beings and turn it into scientific data and statistics. And people sometimes have a hard time with that. In this post, I'm going to explain the neurological effects of romantic love, which to some might take away a little of the magic in their latest romantic comedy Redbox rental (don't say I didn't warn you). But it can also help you to better understand what it means to be in a relationship - a true long-lasting relationship where mutual affection and admiration persist long after the brain chemicals fade away.
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Dopamine
This three-line text thread, might be the grossest thing I've ever seen. Give. Me. A. Break.
At the same time, I can't blame people for becoming obsessed, love-sick, crazy-attached, totally-dependent, PDA-imposing, grossness that those of us who are still single have a hard time being around. And you know the people I'm talking about. The ones who can't keep their tongues in their own mouths, even in public. The ones who share gross "I love you" messages on a public forum when that crap is meant for private viewing. The ones who can't hold a conversation without also holding their significant other's hand. Those people. I can't blame them. Because it's not really their fault - it's their brain.
Albert Einstein asked, "No, this trick won't work... How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" Einstein is half right (By the way, no, I do not think I have the right to compete with Einstein on an intellectual level. But science has made advancements since his day). There's a large segment of love that science can't explain - how love can last a lifetime. That reality is completely different from the love we typically see in our evolutionary model of behavior. And the job of understanding that concept is reserved for social psychologists and cultural anthropologists. It involves choosing to love someone. But before that choice is made, during what I call the "romantic love" stage, our brains do the work for us primarily through neurotransmitters.
Dopamine makes love a pleasureful addiction. Thinking about a loved one, particularly a new loved one stirs activity in the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and caudate nucleus of the brain. These areas show rich in dopamine. As mentioned in previous posts, dopamine is considered a pleasure chemical - a neurotransmitter often responsible for feelings of reward and euphoria, not at all unlike those experienced by someone who is addicted to drugs. It's enchanting, and joyous, and dreamy. It's also addictive. You know those teenagers who spend thirty minutes apart and complain on social media about missing each other? Yeah, that's not love. That's dopamine. The VTA is especially important to note in a discussion on new love because it links with other structures that contribute to the reward circuit, including the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex, which are exceptionally sensitive to pleasure-induced behaviors. Yup, that means sex.
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Fight/Flight
The autonomic nervous system (ANS) works to regulate unconscious and involuntary bodily functions, such as heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupil response, and so forth. Most often, we think of this system in the common tongue as "fight or flight." Essentially, this is our body's response to stimuli. Within the ANS, most organs and glands in the body receive input from both sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. You can think of these as the control centers for regulating our bodily functions. The sympathetic system is fight or flight. Within this system, individuals come into contact with a stimuli that they find frightening or harmful. They will experience increased heart rate and respiration, dilated pupils, slowed digestion and blood redirection (to skeletal muscles and the brain). The parasympathetic system is what one of my professors liked to call the "rest and digest" system. In this process, the body slows and becomes less active and alert. Individuals will experience slowed heart rate and respiration, constricted pupils, and blood flow to the digestive system will increase in comparison to fight or flight.
I'll give you an example. I think C-Span is boring... like really boring. I find politics interesting, but floor debates, moderators, old men screaming about why liberal or conservative ideals should dominate, I'm not a fan. So while watching C-Span my body is subjected to my parasympathetic system. Now, let's say, because C-Span is all that's on TV and it's a nice day, that I decide to leave my house and go for a walk. While walking I encounter a snake on the side walk (AKA Satan in physical form). Because I have a phobia of snakes my sympathetic system (fight or flight) is going to activate immediately, giving me the necessary physiological reaction to either approach my fear and attack the snake (which isn't going to happen), or to run from my fear and find safer ground (that's more like it).
For many people, meeting someone of the opposite sex whom we find attractive activates our sympathetic system. And this activation is consistent throughout young, or romantic, love. You know the sensation: Your palms get sweaty, your stomach has butterflies, the world washes away and only they exist. During this you will also experience an increase in levels of the stress hormone cortisol (an attempt for your body to cope with this "stressor"). And this brings about another physiological change. As cortisol levels begin to rise, levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin begin to deplete.
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Serotonin
If dopamine makes love an addiction, serotonin makes it an obsession. You can think of serotonin as a natural mood stabilizer, and when it begins to decrease individuals begin to have a less calm demeanor. This influence is substantial on human behavior. Dr. Richard Schwartz, a professor at Harvard Medical School, described the effects of depleted serotonin as "intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love." It is, essentially, the behaviors (or rather, the obsessive behaviors) associated with infatuation. You know the phrase "crazy love?" It's a real thing. It's serotonin.
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So what is true love?
I've just begun to touch on the neuroscience of romantic love. Explaining every chemical, hormone, and activity, would keep you here for far longer than you would be willing to read. But by this point you should have a clear understanding that romantic love is not always as it appears. Essentially, it's chemicals. It's the brain. It's science. But the beauty of true love goes far beyond the picture I've painted.
Because Einstein was half right - true love can't be explained by science alone. The chemicals and reactions I've mentioned above will subside. Sometimes in a matter of months, other times within the first two years of your relationship, but, rest assured, they will fade, and after that you're left to do the work - to formulate a long-lasting relationship built on mutual respect and trust and admiration where your brain isn't the one calling the shots. Above all else, this requires a choice - an active decision to wake up every single day and love this person with all of your heart, soul and mind. Even when it's hard. Even when they drive you crazy. Even when you want so desperately to just be selfish and do things your way. Even when you think you can't keep going any longer. You do. Because, as humans, we are not totally subservient to brain chemicals. Human beings, unlike any other species on this planet, have the power to create cultural customs that are not always parallel to our biological urges.
True, life-lasting love is not easy. But it's very possible. For just a moment, I'm going to be a non-scientist and say something totally sappy and over-the-top. Something that is not at all empirical, but true nonetheless: Listen to your heart, not your brain.
Read More:
http://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain-series/love-and-brain
